Concise Writing – Package 2

Mini-Lesson 1
Activity 1
Mini-Lesson 2
Activity 2
Mini-Lesson 3
Activity 3
Activity 4
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The features of concise writing style

In this package, we shall work on simplifying a text by:

using of active verbs and adjectives and avoiding nominalization
employing the active voice rather than the passive
re-wording unnecessarily long phrases
keeping sentences short
using vertical lists and writing list items in parallel

What’s the problem?

As we have already seen in Concise writing – package 1, workplace writing should clear, simple and direct. Unfortunately, the opposite is often the case with writers using unfamiliar words, old-fashioned terminology and unnecessarily verbose expressions. All of this results in long sentences with dense paragraphs which are anything but reader friendly. And because of all of this, there is at best a delay and at worst a complete breakdown in communication.

So in this package we shall explore some more strategies which can improve the clarity and conciseness of your workplace writing.

Use of active verbs and adjectives and avoid nominalization

Look for ways to express yourself using verbs and/or adjectives instead of nouns. Usually, this enables you to use fewer words.

Look at these examples from an authentic text.

ORIGINAL TEXT	REDRAFTED TEXT
conducts a check	checks
imposition of heavy penalty	imposes heavy penalties
your attention and co-operation are of vital importance	it’s very important that everyone cooperates

Here are two areas where you can use verbs to great effect:

Replace verb-noun combinations with verbs

Monitor your writing for unnecessary verb-noun combinations and replace them with strong verbs:

ORIGINAL TEXT	REDRAFTED TEXT
We have conducted an investigation and arrived at the conclusion that…	We have investigated and concluded that…
I have made some enquiries about….	I have enquired about….
We are making arrangements to…	We are arranging to…

Replace preposition phrases with verbs and adjectives

Preposition phrases can be both difficult to remember and unnecessarily formal.

Compare:

PREPOSITION PHRASE		VERB OR ADJECTIVE
	The project is one of complexity.		It is a complex project
	IT assisted in the maintenance of the database.		IT helped to maintain the database.
	Everyone’s co-operation is of vital importance		It’s very important for everyone to co-operate

You can also use an –ing form to replace the pattern the xxxxx of…:

BEFORE: the xxxxx of …	AFTER: xxx-ing
The Equal Opportunities Commission (EOC) is responsible for the implementation of anti-discrimination legislation.	The Equal Opportunities Commission (EOC) is responsible for implementing anti-discrimination legislation.

Activity 1

Complete the column on the right using verbs or adjectives to replace the verb-noun combinations and preposition phrases wherever possible. At the same time, change anything else that you feel makes the text more reader-focused. When you’ve finished, click on the SUBMIT button and compare your answers.

ORIGINAL TEXT	YOUR TEXT
Please provide a description of the expected benefits of the suggested project.	Your answer: Answer: Could you please describe the expected benefits of this project?

We are in receipt of your proposal dated 26 January.

Your answer:

Answer:

We have received your proposal of 26 January. Thank you for your proposal of 26 January.

Upon completion of the tendering process, the project can be awarded to the successful bidder.

Your answer:

Answer:

When the tendering process is completed, we will award the project to the successful bidder.

Arrangements have been made to make the payment to you next Monday.

Your answer:

Answer:

We will pay you next Monday.

In order to facilitate the implementation of the new strategic plan, we require the assistance of either one or two experienced specialists.

Your answer:

Answer:

To implement the new plan, we need two specialist staff.

It is requested that you submit an application by next Friday.

Your answer:

Answer:

Can you please apply by next Friday?

Employ the active voice rather than the passive

There often seems to be a strange overdependence on the passive voice in workplace writing. This overuse and frequent misuse of the passive voice is usually linked to people’s misconception that good workplace writing is formal, distant and impersonal. Once again though, the opposite is more often than not true.

Look at these examples:

Passive	Active
Please find enclosed…	We / I enclose…
Please be informed…	I would like to let you know / tell you about…
Please be advised…	Can I advise you that…

Which side is more personal?
Which is closer to the reader?
Which is more distant, official and colder?
Which side suggests a more customer focused feel?

Re-word unnecessarily long phrases

Look out for ‘awkward’ language that makes the reader’s task more difficult.

Avoid phrases when a well-chosen word or two will substitute.

		The team showing the worst performance…
		The worst-performing team…

		All candidates who are interested in the promotion must…
		All promotion candidates must…

		Consuello Calvin, our Chief Consultant, suggested at our last board meeting the installation of new software to enhance security protection.
		At our last board meeting, Chief Consultant Consuello Calvin suggested that we install new security protection software.

Avoid fixed phrases like these when possible.

owing/due to the fact that in light of the fact that on the grounds that	= because/as	in the event of/that should it occur that	= if

in reference to with regard to concerning the matter of in connection with	= regarding / about	it is possible that there is a chance that it could happen that	= may/ might could

Activity 2

Look at these examples and click on the version which you think is more concise and reader –friendly.

1.	I am currently engaged in a study of the target market.	Incorrect
	I am studying the target market at the moment.	Correct

2.	We didn’t renew the contract with our supplier because we had to find a cheaper one.	Correct
	We didn’t renew the contract with our supplier on account of the fact that it was necessary for us to find a cheaper supplier.	Incorrect

3.	It is important that you read the notes, advice and information detailed opposite then complete the form overleaf (all sections) prior to its immediate return to the bank by way of the envelope provided.	Incorrect
	Please read the attached information and complete and return the form.	Correct

4.	In the event that there is a fire on the premises, it is vitally important that staff shall leave the premises as soon as they hear the alarm bell ringing.	Incorrect
	If you hear the fire alarm, please leave the building.	Correct

Keep sentences short

Common sense tells us that shorter, more concise sentences are going to be easier to both write and read than long, complex ones. And yet, people love to show off their writing ability (or lack of it) by constructing ‘monster’ sentences which ultimately seriously hamper communication.

Consider these examples:

ORIGINAL TEXT:

The Hospital periodically conducts a department-wide check on room utilization, and takes a serious view against any violations of the regulations on private room booking, and failure to observe such regulations will result in the imposition of a heavy penalty. In a more serious sense, these violation records will form the basis of consideration for future allocation of private and semi-private rooms and ward allocation of beds.

To prevent these undesirable cases from recurring, your attention and co-operation are of vital importance. Please ensure that if there are to be any changes/cancellations of private rooms booked, Ada Wong should be notified well in advance so that proper and timely procedures can be taken.

REVISED TEXT:

A friendly reminder: If you need to change or cancel a booked private room, please ensure that you tell Ada Wong well in advance, so that she can take the necessary procedures.

The Hospital regularly checks that booked rooms are in use and imposes heavy penalties when they are not. This may also affect the future allocation of all rooms.

For this reason, it’s very important that everyone cooperates with this policy.

Thank you.

Clearly, the revised text is more reader friendly but why?

One key reason is that the revised text has shorter average sentence length. The table below shows just how different the two texts are in this respect:

	No. of sentences	No. of words	Average sentence length (words)	Longest sentence (words)
Original text	4	113	28.25	40
Revised text:	5	74	14.4	29

Sentences longer than about 25 words are significantly more difficult for our brains to process and reading rapidly becomes more difficult. As a general rule, if you aim for sentences of 10-20 words, your writing will be easier for the reader to understand. Sometimes, of course, a longer sentence might be the best available option, but make this the exception, not the rule.

Use vertical lists and parallel structures

Read the following memo. How could it be rewritten in a way that captures the reader’s attention more effectively?

Dear all

I had a good meeting with the new Regional Director this morning. It was the first, so its purpose was for him to get to know us and to see where he could help.

I think Mr. Chan can help us by using his strong network of contacts in commerce, finance and government to help us set up meetings and events, and advise us about new industry initiatives. He can also help us to exploit the China market and develop the market for our services.

We plan to meet again to talk about specifics, but this was a promising start.

Now compare it with the version below:

Dear all

I had a good meeting with the new Regional Director this morning. It was the first, so its purpose was for him to get to know us and to see where he could help.

I think Mr. Chan can help us by using his strong network of contacts in commerce, finance and government to

1   set up meetings and events
2   advise us about new industry initiatives
3   exploit the China market
4   develop the market for our services.

We plan to meet again to talk about specifics, but this was a promising start.

Although the second version takes up more space, it is easier to understand because the reader can simply scan the text.

You can use vertical lists to do the following:

Highlight major areas in your writing
Break complex information into smaller, more manageable parts
Overview key information quickly
Review key information quickly.

Using parallel construction means presenting a series of words or phrases in a text using the same grammatical structure for each item. Using parallel construction can make your writing easier for your reader(s) to understand by preventing grammatical inconsistencies.

It also helps your reader quickly digest information because the similarity of the words, phrases or statements highlights any difference in the information. This might be in continuous text, or in a vertical list as in these examples:

Example 1

To apply for this position you need a degree in building-related engineering, experience in project-management and fluency in written and spoken Chinese, including Putonghua.

Example 2

To better protect yourself against identity theft

keep your credit card receipts
beware of phishing emails and websites
change your passwords regularly
update your anti-virus and anti-spam software regularly

Activity 3

Look at the following examples. In each pair, click on the one you think is written in parallel.

a.	My team of staff and I are committed to maintaining and promoting Hong Kong as a major international financial centre.	Correct
	My team of staff and I are committed to maintaining and the promotion of Hong Kong as a major international financial centre.	Incorrect

b.	I'm attaching our proposal, our company profile and a list of our clients.	Incorrect
	I'm attaching our proposal, our company profile and our client list.	Correct

c.	You should check that: the details on the medical certificate match the student’s information the certificate has been completed correctly and conforms to the rules on validity the certificate covers the period of absence.	Correct
	You should check that the details on the medical certificate match the employee’s information. You should check that the certificate has been completed correctly and conforms to the rules on validity. That the certificate covers the period of absence.	Incorrect

d.	Our primary goals are to increase productivity, reduce costs and the improvement of product quality.	Incorrect
	Our primary goals are to increase productivity, reduce costs and improve product quality.	Correct

e.	We would be grateful if you could provide further details about: whether you deliver to North America what the insurance policy covers whether it is possible to hire half-containers.	Correct
	We would be grateful if you could provide further details about: Do you deliver to North America? What does the insurance policy cover? Is it possible to hire half-containers?	Incorrect

Activity 4

Finally, can you re-write this memo more concisely? When you’ve finished, click on the SUBMIT button and compare your answer.

To : All staff members

From : Director of XXXXX XXXXXXXXX

Date : 10 March 2013

Good practice in committing overseas travel expenditure

Pursuant to the recommendation of an internal audit recently conducted on overseas travel expenditure, such as air-ticket, subsistence allowance and conference registration fee, etc., in relation to conference attendance, duty and liaison visits and staff development programmes not leading to academic award of the University, I am writing to remind staff members of the good practice of obtaining prior approval from management for attending those functions BEFORE incurring any trip expenditure.

Staff members should be aware that any applications for conference attendance, duty/liaison visit and staff development programme in the process of submission are subject to formal approval from the authority in consideration of the nature of each individual case and many other factors including the funding situation of the University/Department, etc. In the event that the applications are not approved due to various reasons, the staff members concerned would have to bear the consequence if they have committed any trip expenditure. As such, it is advisable that staff members are to observe the good practice of obtaining prior management approval for attending such functions before incurring any trip expenditure.

If you have any questions on the above, please contact the XXX colleagues serving your department. Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated. Thank you.

XXXX XX

Director of XXXXX XXXXXXXXX

Your answer:

Answer:

This is to remind all staff that they should obtain approval for expenses before travelling overseas to represent the university.

If you have any questions about this, please contact the HRO staff serving your department.